I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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