when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I need water and some morals
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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