I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
