I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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