Your dad touched me again.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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