I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
