Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
