I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
