if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
