are you so shy because you have an std?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
