Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
