They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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