she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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