I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
