you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
FUCK WHALES
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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