He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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