we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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