i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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