My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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