Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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