just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
