Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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