just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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