Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
