rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
