Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Is her dick bigger than yours?
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