I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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