I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
