You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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