As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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