I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
