It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
