you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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