Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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