did you get engaged???
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
