Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
