I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
