Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
