Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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