If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
pop tarts are not kleenex
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
A+ Viking dick
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
