So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
