Im at strip club and am horny
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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