You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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