i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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