If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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