i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
