Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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