When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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