I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
