my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
